It has occurred to me that gay tourists to South Florida need a Warning Book as much as a Greeting Guide. In fact, call Richard Gray immediately. This column should be included as part of a mandatory-reading packet from the International Lesbian and Gay Travel Association.

     I realized this last week after a French tourist spent an evening in the Fort Lauderdale Jail only hours after arriving in town. He and a bunch of his friends went to 825 to have some drinks, but a dancer decided to caress his private parts on the very night that undercover police were raiding the establishment. With absolutely no awareness that the behavior he was engaging in was mild for France, but illegal in 'Fort Liquordale', he wound up getting arrested for participating in a lewd and lascivious act. Not a great way to spend your first seven hours in America.

     With that in mind, I feel compelled to share with you that despite all the local equal rights ordinances in the world, the local constables tend to disfavor acts of open sexuality amongst gays.

     As a matter of fact, some of the very favorite haunting grounds for local gays are haunted by the police as well. So if you are encouraged to check out the gay scene at John U. Lloyd State Park Beach in Dania, keep in mind that it is a public, not a pubic park. Because the undercover cops that hang there are cruising for arrests, not dates. There are places like Haulover Beach where you can get fully nude, but that does not allow you the right to noontime seaside sexual intercourse.

     Nowhere is this more so than in Miami Beach, where nightmarish cops are conducting seemingly endless stings on the beaches. Anonymous sex can be very intoxicating, but if you try it on some of South Florida's beaches, it can also be very incarcerating. That's because as open as the gay life might be, cops are occasionally on duty to guard the republic against a nude gay takeover.

     The local gendarmes are so concerned with your safety they are also watching you in the strangest places. As a matter of fact, if you decide to enjoy the nature walk along Colahatchee Park in Wilton Manors, America's newest gay city, minimize the romantic interludes at the end of the walking path. You will not be thrilled to learn that you are secretly being videotaped by remote cameras, which are either bolted to trees, or strapped on the asses of alligators. Over two dozen arrests of gay men have already been effectuated by police who were surveilling the park. Going down on your lover also could mean going straight- to jail. The last I heard they were not selling the videos as part of a travel brochure.

     Speaking of jail, driving drunk is one sure way to get there in a hurry. DUI task forces cruise gay bars the way you would Tom Cruise. While I am personally convinced this is because cops have latent homosexual tendencies, they also know people leaving bars have been drinking. Leave The Copa or Saint on the weekend, peel a little rubber, and you will just be amazed how quickly those flashing lights will appear in your rear view mirror to determine if you are either cute, or have a breath alcohol level of .08 or higher. You should probably not offer to let the cop hold your beer while searching for your license. Open containers of alcoholic beverages are also illegal in vehicles.

     Many of these sexually frustrated cops, unable to cope with their sexual identity, tend also to hang out near clubs where "working boys" have been known to frequent. When they pull you over, it may be just to check out your latest trick, some hot, studly young man they couldn't have. It is probably not a good idea to offer them a toke off your joint at this point, because if you use drugs while driving, the cops can not only seize your vehicle, the courts can take your driver's license away for two years. So if you are looking for Mr. Right Now, instead of Mr. Right, you are probably better off searching for him inside one of our very popular nightclubs, than from your car on Biscayne Boulevard or Federal Highway.

     In many of the nightclubs, you will not only find incredibly good-looking young men, you will encounter many people offering your illegal drugs. For your information it is a felony in Florida to possess, use or sell Special K, Ecstasy, GHB, or cocaine. It is also not a legal requirement that you do these illegal substances in order to have fun on South Beach. In fact, do too much of them and you won't remember the next day whether you partied in South Beach or the South Bronx. You don't want to go from a Circuit Party to a Circuit Court.

     The rules in Key West are a lot more open than in Fort Lauderdale or Miami. After all, as the Conch Republic, it is its own nation. Numerous guesthouses offer optimum gay privacy rights, and besides, the T-shirts are much better. In fact, I think the only restriction in Key West is that you have to clean up after yourself if you throw up drunk on Duval Street. And the private dances in Numbers will get you an erection, not a cellblock number.