If you love someone, let him go. If he comes back to you, he is yours. If he does not, hunt him down and kill him..."

-from the Gay Sea Scrolls,  Book of JudyJudyJudy

    It is a Saturday afternoon, and I am on the Fort Lauderdale beach, I am with my good friend Kevin, all of 21 gay years old, his rippled, wash-board chest and very firm body, bronzing in the Spring sun. His heart however, was wrenching in the sand. Kevin was lamenting the fact that he was relationship-less, as too many gay guys do. But here was this well-built Adonis, who so many on the beach were having fantasies about, cursing his own life. It often seems that the grass is always greener on the other side, doesn't it? I understand my friend Kevin was hurting, because I know that what Bob Dylan once wrote is still true: "Time passes slowly when you are searching for love."

    I have another friend named Kevin, a straight friend - Kevin the All-too-Hot I call him - whose life epitomized the greatest fear heterosexuals have about bonding. It is that one day, while walking down the aisle with your bride-to-be, your eyes will drift towards one of the pews, and there sitting will be the girl of your dreams. It actually happened to him on his wedding day in June of 1995, and he bolted on the spot. It was a spontaneous decision, to be sure, but one that three years later, he still does not regret.

    Straight or gay, the decision to tie a knot can either secure your present or strangle your future. It is not a decision to be made lightly, on the beach, or at the altar. It has to be made long before in your heart. I have checked with one of the renowned gay scholars who has interpreted the Gay Sea Scrolls. This is what Dr. Dick Hunter has to say about binding relationships:

     "Sometimes, relationships are unhealthy. Sometimes, they can be colossal mistakes. First of all, if you are going to live a gay lifestyle, why measure yourself by heterosexual standards? Chances are you are not going to have kids and the PTA to worry about. You aren't going to share one car, and you each may have your own apartment and separate careers. If you force someone onto you today, it will be easier for him to slip off and not look back tomorrow..."

    I think the good Dr. Dick is correct. It seems to me that the best thing you can sometimes do for yourself is build a strong nucleus and circle of friends. From those, a relationship might grow. But don't impose self-generated demands that you must have a lover by the next circuit party. The harder you try, the less likely you are to create anything but self-inflicted pain.

    Added Dr. Dick in my interview: "Sure, go out to a bar, a softball game, and reach out to touch someone- though not necessarily in the genitalia. It's okay to look, though. I look a lot. In fact, Norm, I would like to look at you.. " Just about then, I had to end the discussion, since the good doctor became ravenous. I had him immediately drawn and quartered. He is presently being served as the lunch special in a Toyota food truck.

    Look, I know it is tough to make the first move towards someone. It is not gay-cool to let someone you want know you want him. Why? Because, obviously if you show you want him, there is no way, you think, he is going to want you. You are continually afraid that your glance might not be followed by acceptance; that you will be rejected. So you play this game, this desperate game, night after night, fighting the very thing you reach out for. Then some of you start beating yourself off, or up, with alcohol and drugs. This is not a good gay boat. Get off the Titanic.

    When he wasn't groping for me, Doctor Dick had some good advice. Think about it. We are luckier than any gay generation has ever been. You can live your life and love easily and freely, particularly if you live in South Beach, and stay away from those public parks where cops hang out.

     You can be open, out, and in politics, or other dirty professions, like lawyering. You can serve on a police force, or in a university. You can play in a gay Olympics, or go in and out of gay bars without fear of social retribution. There are laws that protect you from hate crimes. But all the achievements socially mean nothing if you don't integrate it into your lives individually.

    You do not have let your life become a front and a superficial game. You do not have to be a part of the Apart Army. You do not have to join the Parade of Masks. You don't have to be a stowaway on the voyage of life. But be careful.

    The saddest thing about any relationship is they can in a moment disintegrate. Today's marriage is tomorrow's divorce. A relationship folds, and we snap. We swear we will never ever ever let our guard down again. So we harden our heart. Then the next time comes. And there you are again. Come on. Own up to it. You're guilty as charged. I am. You are. Even now, if I saw the Jason that was once so special to me, I am not sure whether I would want to hug him or strangle him.

    Unfortunately, gay relationships are not protected well by the law. I have seen mortgages paid by one lover, while the house or lease is in the other's name. An argument ensues, and the person not on the deed is out on the street in an hour, threatened with trespass and arrest if he comes back. Cars get unilaterally taken away. Bank accounts get raided. Lovers become hurters and hurtees. Friends get divided. So we get burnt, and forever want to keep our hands away from the fire.

    Legally, when it comes to relationships, caution is a virtue we too often sacrifice. We do it first, for our lust, and second, for our desire to urgently fill a void. We wind up thinking with our dicks instead of our heads. It happens to all of us, gay or straight, because we all have a lot more in common than we do apart. As it says in the Gay Sea Scrolls, in the Book of Divine,: "Things which are intimately most personal are also universally most common."

    Ultimately, though, there is no cardinal rule of gay life which mandates that you have a partner, and that you have one today. While it can be very healthy to have a relationship that matters, the failure to have a partner is not necessarily a failure. It should not cost you your dignity or self-esteem. You just need to stay mentally fit and emotionally prepared for a day that will one day come. Just keep in mind the simple admonition of a greeting card I once got from a friend: "People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges."

    Of course, as Dr. Dick Hunter advised:" You should not accept love letters written in crayon. "