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Lessons in Life 101
September 1, 1999
To hell with my oncologist, I wasn't totally sure I was feeling well until I read about
it in a Buddy Nevins column in the Sun Sentinel. There it was, I was cancer free, right
down to the bone marrow.
Seven months of chemotherapy have killed the bad guy cells and the good ones are
regenerating. The Force is with me. Of course, I am astutely aware that that it takes five
years to be considered a cancer survivor. On the other hand, if you want to know what it
takes to be a chemotherapy patient may I suggest drinking Drano, Quaker Oil, or hang out
in the bathroom at the Ramrod for the next twenty four weeks.
Andre Gide once wrote that only those who have been touched by the wings of death will
ever truly understand the flight of life. For now, those wings of death have passed me by.
But darn, they came awfully close. This whole cancer experience has brought a new
dimension to a sociology class I took in college on Death and Dying. What a term paper I
could write now. So I am truly grateful for every moment of life, and even more grateful
for the love and friendship I have been shown So what have I learned ? Well, here are my
lessons in life 101. Any college student reading this should earn three credits, or at
least get to spend a night in my bedroom.
Focus on the things that matter most. Worry more about the emptiness in your heart than in
your pocketbook. Care more about your friends and family than the stock market. Enjoy the
pleasures of sunshine and the beauty of falling rain, but do not stand in either too long.
Buy Pez. Enjoy the experience of life, treasure it dearly, and always stop to pick up a
penny by the curb. Unless a speeding car is coming by. Avoid cheap wine and wicked women,
and remember that while two wrongs do not make a right, three do. The good you do comes
back to you. But watch yourself. So does the bad.
Eat your cheerios. Be aware that a walk through the valley of most souls will scarcely get
your feet wet, but walk anyway. Life, you know, is not a dress rehearsal. But do not walk
nude through the valley, or in your neighbor's swimming pool if he has little children at
home. Believe in the Lone Ranger. Use athlete's foot powder. Never x-pect help from
x-lovers or x-perts. Trust only the x-files. X-cel whenever you can. Occasionally, check
in with God for advice, but remember She is always very busy.
Avoid white foods, but eat your greens, particularly broccoli. Do not walk in Ryan Idol's
shoes, or bid for them on E-Bay. Visit Mykonos, Ibiza, and your mom on Mother's Day. Buy
disability insurance. Do not allow nuclear bombs in your home, but always keep a fudgsicle
in the freezer. Rotate your tires. Do not go placidly through the waste without buying
options thereof. Avoid day traders and postal workers. Be wary of coaches who slap your
butt. Sleep in more often. Hide your stash. Never admit to anything that carries a
sentence of 3-10 years in the state pen.
Avoid putting rainbow stickers on your car while driving through Mississippi. But gay is
okay. If someone you know has a problem with this, let them go see the
psychologist. See the Edge of Seventeen but try to date someone older. Adopt a pet. Give
to charities but do not become one. Listen to music. Life without music is not life. And
life without sunshine is, well, dark. What you spend years building may be destroyed
overnight, but build anyway. Preferably not with Leggos, though. Or on mountains in Laguna
Beach. Remember that working out is not a life form. And the Book of Job is not an
employment manual.
Give the world the best you have, but keep a little for yourself. Don't trust anyone over
30 sounded so good years ago, I felt I had to say it today again. All we were saying is
give peace a chance. Was that so wrong ? Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and
mutilate. Learn yoga or Zen. Or at least read Alan Watts. Know yourself, but if you need
help , call the FBI. Or just look up at that surveillance camera above your shoulder.
Question authority. Plant flowers. Swim. Run. Particularly from anyone named Billy Joe
Bob. Don't let anyone tell you that your love is not real.
Remember the Alamo, Stonewall, and your ATM password. Know what to kiss and when. Practice
safer sex. Do not taxi your plane down foggy runways. Remember, ultimately you are just
renting time on this planet and your lease is not going to be renewed. So enjoy it while
you can because whether you know it or not, the Universe is laughing behind your back.
Always keep a song in your hearts and a smile on your lips. Be comforted that in the
changing circumstances of time, there is always a big fortune in computer maintenance. Do
not collect trick cards in your wallet. Never take chemotherapy without a tootsie roll
lollipop.
Beware of 'Love at AOL', and definitely find out your lover's screen name. Enjoy the Three
Stooges, Bette Middler, and even Diana Ross. But don't dress like any of them. Retain the
ability to laugh at yourself. You will never cease to be amused. Have a lover's quarrel
with the world and not your lover. Learn how to make a life, not just a living. Spend
less. Smile more. Do not become your car. Remember: one tequila, two tequila, three
tequila, floor. The chances are drugs will do you more than you will do drugs. You don't
have to get high to be high on life. Age is not maturity. Don't ask why me. Why not ? I
don't care how straight people act in private as long as they are gay in public. If love
is unfashionable, live unfashionably. Closets are for clothes not people. You're a
civilian. You can ask and you can tell.