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The Gay Tourists (and Residents) Warning Book Revisited
It is that time of year again when thousands of gay tourists come to Fort
Lauderdale to enjoy the pleasures of sun, sand, and sex, but often wind up getting screwed
instead. It is that time of year then for me to post my traditional and often futile
warnings about our asinine and dated laws on sex, nudity, and drugs.
So here's the deal. Cops are crazy, the laws suck, and you can't take your clothes off on
Federal Highway. You can't stare at naked men, you can't proposition anyone, and there is
a better than 50% chance that anyone you meet who looks like Brad Pitt is really Officer
Tricky Dick in disguise.
I realized this last week after a French tourist spent an evening in the Fort Lauderdale
Jail only hours after arriving in town. He went to a bar to have some drinks, but a dancer
decided to caress his private parts on the very night that undercover police were raiding
the establishment. With absolutely no awareness that the behavior he was engaging in was
mellow for France, but a misdemeanor in Fort Liquordale, he wound up getting arrested for
participating in a lewd and lascivious act. Not a great way to spend your first seven
hours in America.
With that in mind, I am compelled to share with you that despite all our equal rights
ordinances, the local constables tend to disfavor acts of open sexuality amongst gays.
Beaches Not Immune
Some of the very favorite haunting grounds for local gays are haunted by the police as
well. If you are encouraged to check out the gay scene at John U. Lloyd State Park Beach
in Dania, keep in mind that it is a public, not a pubic park. Because the undercover cops
that hang there are cruising for arrests, not dates. There are places like Haulover Beach
where you can get fully nude, but that does not allow you the right to noontime seaside
sexual intercourse. Undercover cops cruise even Haulover as gay men, getting their rocks
off by slapping metal cuffs on slim gay wrists.
In South Florida, nightmarish cops are conducting seemingly endless stings in parks and on
the beaches. Anonymous sex can be very intoxicating, but if you try it on South Beach or
the supposedly secluded gay enclaves in Lauderdale, it can also be very incarcerating.
That's because as open as the gay life might be, cops are on duty to guard the republic
against a nude gay takeover.
Cops are so concerned with your safety, they watch you in the strangest places. If you
decide to enjoy the nature walk along Colahatchee Park in Wilton Manors, America's newest
gay city, minimize the romantic interludes at the end of the walking path. Surprise ! You
are secretly being videotaped by remote cameras, which are either bolted to trees or
strapped on the asses of alligators. Over one hundred arrests of gay men have already been
effectuated by police who have been surveilling the park for well over a year. So going
down on your lover also could mean going straight- to jail. . The last I
heard they were not selling the videos as part of a travel brochure. Want privacy ? Find a
guesthouse. There are plenty.
Bars Are Watched
Driving drunk in this town is one sure way to go to jail in a hurry. Cops cruise bars.
Leave a liquor establishment this weekend, peel a little rubber, and you will just be
amazed how quickly those flashing lights will appear in your rear view mirror. Breath
alcohol level of .08 or higher ? You are headed to jail. By the way, don't offer to let
the cop hold your beer while searching for your license. Open containers of alcoholic
beverages are also illegal in vehicles.
Cops also work the areas where 'rent boys ' frequent. If you are caught soliciting for
prostitution, you do not get a gentlemen's warning. You go straight to jail and your name
gets blasted in the newspapers. You get booked, not laid.
It's also not a good idea to leave a joint in your ashtray. Caught with drugs while
driving ? The man is empowered to seize your vehicle, and the courts can take your
driver's license away for two years. So if you are looking for Mr. Right Now, instead of
Mr. Right, you are probably better off searching for him inside one of our very popular
nightclubs, than from your car on Biscayne Boulevard.
Drugs are Not So Cool
In many of our nightclubs, you will find plenty of illegal drugs being dealt freely.
In Florida, it is a felony to possess or sell cocaine, Special K, Ecstasy, GHB, and most
narcotics. In fact, do too many of them and you will go from a Circuit Party to a Circuit
Court.
Just last week, in an astounding show of force, State Alcohol, Beverage and Tobacco agents
raided dozens of straight and gay clubs, from South Florida to Pensacola. They made over
1,000 arrests of persons caught using or distributing party drugs. Neither the straight or
gay press effectively covered the story, which netted scores of gay men in South Florida
nightspots. The new defendants are now being offered deals to flip and inform on their
suppliers or go undercover and help make yet more arrests.
So enjoy your stay in South Florida. Have a great time. But please, if you return, make
sure it isn't because you had to hire a criminal defense attorney like myself today in
order to represent you tomorrow. The sun which tans also burns. So be careful. Don't come
to Florida on vacation and go home on probation.