I hope you like the headline. It is not hype. Just keep on reading.

     For twenty years now, I have been providing legal services to the hospitality industry. Every time society has some social or sexual problem it cannot deal with, alcoholic beverage establishments become the target of religious zealots and legislative limp-dicks without an ounce of moral courage to stand up for that which is just and proper.

     I have always thought the cure for democracy was more democracy. Unfortunately, the people who pass our laws tend to believe that all our social problems can be solved by enacting a dizzying array of government regulations that seem to multiply every day. From the warnings on cigarettes, which you can now only acquire from vending machines with the permission of Mission Control, to seals on aspirin bottles, which give you a headache just trying to get them open, our universe is a growing palate of inhospitable rules and requirements.

     The hospitality and nightclub industry in Florida is a classic example of a class of citizens that have been victimized by government abuse. I have watched as liquor prices soared, not because club owners drove up the prices, but because Tallahassee legislators concocted every conceivable tax and measure to infringe on those who run and operate bars. The most burdensome one is the liquor surcharge, which means you the consumer pay a tax every single time a bartender pours a drink. Under this tax, even if a bar gives away drinks for free to a charity event, they are still paying a tax on it.

     Last fall, the lords of legislation passed a law to protect patrons from dancers. Fearful that customers who get too close to a disrobing dancer might contribute to prostitution, Broward County officials enacted a law that says all dancers must perform on a 100 foot stage at least four feet away from any patrons. Of course, the dancers were also told that certain stages of undress were forbidden. And no touching. That's heresy, and it could get you kicked out of the kingdom.

     The last I heard the prostitution situation has not yet been cured in Fort Lauderdale, but Jim Naugle, the mighty mayor, whose words toxified HotSpots! last week, has said that the new law will decrease the spread of tuberculosis. Now I am not kidding. He really said that. It is in the transcripts of the city meetings, and you can look it up.

     This new law is in effect, and if you see some guy's bare buns anywhere in a gay bar, you should run right away to the phone and call the "Ass Police", because that guy and that club are allowing for nudity, which is very fucking illegal in this goddamn town. Now if anyone bares a portion of their frontal region or genitalia, mind you there is a separate phone number for the highly coveted position of the "dick police."

     Moreso, and I know you are not going to believe this, but I swear upon my new Tommy Hilfigger shirt that the new law also prohibits erections in any place where alcoholic beverages are sold. Since the law fails to distinguish between voluntary or involuntary erections, you better be wearing some reinforced Steel 2Xist underwear, which I have arranged to have discounted at Catalog X this week.

     Never forget that all gay or straight sexual acts are presumptively lewd in nightclubs. We could all deal with that intelligently, but how stopping some woman from dancing on a bar stool in a dark nightclub at 3 a.m. on a weekend night is going to save the world for Christianity is beyond me. It is like all the opposition to the same-sex marriage law. I am still confused over how my sleeping in my bed with my boyfriend in my home in Victoria Park is going to threaten Reverend Kennedy's marriage in Moral Ridge. I hope these preachers who think they have a direct line to God get a busy signal now and then. Or at least one of those answering machines that make you press thirteen buttons before it hangs up on you anyway.

     The anti-rave law is government's most recent way of cracking down on young people and clubs. Unfortunately, the right cross they deliver is to alcoholic beverage establishments. The state law which went into effect last Fall bars nightclubs from being "otherwise used for any purpose" after the hours in which it is not permitted to serve liquor. This means kids who were entering clubs for all-night, after-hours raves, when the clubs closed cannot any longer do so, as the clubs may not remain open to serve them.

     Even though no liquor is being sold, the club has to shut down. In a tourist town, appealing to partygoers and out-of-town guests, it is once again a moronic plot to screw over club owners, who, ironically, generate incredible tax revenues for the state. In fact, those tax-paying clubs generate a lot more state revenues than those tax-exempt churches telling them how they should run their businesses.

     That also means the club has no wind-down time to let customers chill out, while serving coffee, juice and water. So we let people drink until 3 a.m., and then we put them on the road at 3:01 a.m. Even a politician in heat should realize this is not all too bright. Instead, this is just another law designed to infringe upon the ability of nightclubs to maximize the use of their facility, while stripping young people of a way to party all night.

     Lately, I have noticed that a lot of clubs are defying these new regulations, and I humbly applaud them for their courage and tenacity. I will be glad to get all of you out of jail as soon as your sentence is up. I don't care if it takes 20 years. What's a law for, if not to be broken and challenged! Just make sure all the dancers and bartenders have bail money in their pockets.